I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
