I must be too annoying 4 u.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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