my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
