Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
