I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
