well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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