I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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