You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
