I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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