I bet he comes in French.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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