I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
In America we eat man semen.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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