also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
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Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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