i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
