3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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