i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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