she was so not down for the gang bang
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
