The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
