I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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