He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
