Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
