you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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