I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
