yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
