I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
