I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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