No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
