Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
