My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
