I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
