i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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