i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
