I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
