i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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