these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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