i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
