I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
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He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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