So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
