Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
