okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
