The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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