The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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