Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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