Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
