my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
