I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
