do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
