During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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