I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
