sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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