My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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