I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
