so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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