Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
