Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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