i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
