I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
