This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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