did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
