theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
